Solitaire diamond engagement ring still favourite

When it comes to engagement rings, the solitaire still reigns supreme. But it isn’t the only game in town.

Auckland jeweller David Keefe says 50 percent of the couples who come to him for an engagement ring opt for a solitaire.

“It’s about a dream. It floats above your finger, a fiery, sparkling diamond that the Earth has taken a million years push to the surface.”

That’s one explanation of the solitaire’s popularity, but there’s a bit more to it. Our love affair with the diamond ring goes back to 1477, when Archduke Maximilian of Austria gave his betrothed Mary of Burgundy just such a ring.

And the wearing of an engagement ring, and the wedding ring, on the fourth or ring finger of the left hand is a long-standing tradition connected with the idea that this finger has a direct connection to the heart via a “vein of love”.

Although anatomy doesn’t bear this out, couples certainly have a heart-glow about them when they come to choose their engagement ring, says David.

There’s also another reason for romancing the solitaire, it is about future-proofing.

“A lot of people who choose an ultra-modern or contemporary design for their ring bring them back for re-modelling within five years,” says David, who both manufactures and sells rings. “People don’t re-model a solitaire.”

Modern engagement rings

However, not everyone is enamoured of the single diamond engagement ring. David says the Art Deco style of the 1920s and 30s appeals to some brides.

“That time has a very glamorous image, with pearls and gentlemen in top hats opening car doors for ladies, [and] engagements rings are all about emotion. The style is also 70 years old, so it’s about permanence too.”

And there are also some women who have their own very clear idea of what they want. One woman we made a ring for just loved amethysts, says David. So she had an amethyst ring that was set in a particular way, with a lot of detail around it. It’s a purple stone and a lot of people like purple.

David also isn’t a big fan of the rigid approach that says you have to have a particular style depending on what “suits” your hand or finger shape.

“Someone might have a delicate hand, but they just want a big ring to show off. And if that’s what you want, why shouldn’t you have it?”

Celtic wedding ring - usually a man's choice

The other type of ring that is popular, particularly in Auckland where a lot of people have an Irish heritage, is the Celtic ring.

David’s range is made locally and each style has a story around the particular weave – one symbolises integrity, others hope, life and promise. “However, they tend to be quite wide, so are more often chosen by guys as a wedding ring”, says David.

“Also, although people like the concept, a Celtic wedding ring doesn’t look right with most engagement rings.”

‘Ringless’ proposal equals the ring you like

One way around the problem of ‘will she like it?’ is the loose diamond in a box, which some men choose (look out for our romantic story of one man who did just this – coming soon.)

The only fear here is of losing the diamond as, unset, they are quite small. But they’re usually presented in a velvet box with a protective plastic cover over the diamond itself.

For best tip on how to push him in the direction of a romantic proposal without the worry of whether you’ll actually like the ring, comes in this story: How to buy an engagement ring. The novelty or “filler” ring, the kind you get in a Christmas cracker, does the job of “accessorising the proposal”, while you get to choose exactly what you want later on.

Show your girlfriends this and the above story. They’ll pass on the message.

It’s one of those ideas you might think has had its day, but has it really?

The word ‘etiquette’ conjures up the notion having to do everything the right way. This is a part of it. However, etiquette guru Miss Manners says etiquette is, at bottom, all about behaving well and doing what is appropriate.

"You can deny all you want that there is etiquette… but if you behave in a certain way that offends the people you’re trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you."

If you take what's appropriate as your starting point, it helps explain traditional conventions like the top table for the bride and groom’s party. You and your groom are the most important people on the day; it is your wedding day.

The idea of not giving offence can also guide you when it comes to dealing sensitively with others’ customs. Eye contact is one example here. European culture is all about maintaining eye contact. This is seen as expressing interest in the other person. But in Maori tradition, for example, people are expected to break off eye contact quite quickly as prolonged eye contact can be seen as giving offence. This makes sense when you consider that staring can be aggressive.

Many cultures also have prohibitions around touching the head and pointing the feet. However, in New Zealand, the main way etiquette can be your friend is when it comes to alcohol. Drunken guests have ruined many a wedding, so you could consider it part of wedding etiquette to ask your guests, beforehand, to keep their drinking under control. Our ‘Tips on how to avoid wedding reception fights’ story offers hints on how to subtly keep all things alcoholic under control.

That said, etiquette around, for instance, ‘Who pays for what?’ is changing. It used to be that the bride’s family footed much of the bill, but now many couples are in their late 20s and have been earning for many years so feel they should pay. It also gives the couple more control over the wedding.

There are also changes around what is considered a suitable wedding present. If money’s too tight to mention and what you really need is not toasters and kettles but dollars, you can ask, says wedding protocol website OurMarriage.com. Just don’t ask outright. Instead, get the word out through family. A lot of couples nowadays have lived together for some time so don’t need more home clutter, but they might like a new deck or a honeymoon.

A more novel approach for the couple who already has everything comes from Kylie Cooper, from wedding planner weddingsbycooper, who suggests a gift to charity instead.

"Times have changed as couples have got older before they marry and so have more things than they used to, so the toaster and jug are no longer essentials," she says.

Kylie has a charity register on her website to cater to this, listing a huge variety of charities. It’s a new take on the Christmas charity gift – buy a goat for an African family, rather than receive another Xmas gift you don’t want or need.

But if you want to know the traditional nitty-gritty of who pays for what; how to write invitations properly; the Best Man’s responsibilities etc., OurMarriage.com offers a comprehensive summary.

A lot of modern weddings aren’t as formal as the information offered anticipates, particularly in New Zealand, but it’s worth having some idea of what you might reasonably ask the various people involved with your wedding to do.

Empire line dress from City Bridal

Buying a wedding dress can be stressful. Buying one when you’re pregnant is doubly so.

Not so long ago finding such a dress, or someone who could make you one, was difficult. But times are changing. If you want a budget dress for a summer wedding, Australia’s Sweet Lilly could be your answer. It’s worth looking at the website for style ideas alone.

However, if you’d like a real wedding dress, one that can accommodate your baby bump in style, City Bridal can tailor the kind of dress you dreamed of to fit your changing shape.

Vera Zuccani, City Bridal’s designer says customising a gown to skim a growing bump elegantly isn’t hard. “I take 25 measurements for each gown,” she says. “So, customising a dress to a pregnant figure isn’t too difficult.”

For styles, she recommends Grecian or empire line. “These styles tend to only be fitted in the bust-line, so can be quite flattering on the tummy,” says Vera, who adds that “ruching is good too”.

A recent bride she tailored a maternity style for chose an empire style for this reason, as she was five months pregnant. “This style is very comfy, which is important when your tummy is growing,” says Vera.

With a lined empire-style dress, just by allowing an extra 20-30cms in the lining the dress can be made to fit comfortably over a baby bump while still looking much the same.

Vera’s suggestions fit with what is happening in the UK, where maternity bridal gowns are a growing market and finding a stylish gown no longer difficult.

You probably wouldn’t want to import a dress all the way from Britain, but the UK’s Bridal Bumps bills itself as being for the “discerning bride” and describes its gowns as “quality, stylish, elegant maternity wedding dresses”.

The growth in stylish maternity bridal gowns probably has a lot to do with the fact that around 10 percent of younger British brides (25-29) are now pregnant when they get married. And, with more liberal attitudes, the shotgun wedding is a thing of the past, so choosing a proper gown is now on the agenda.

Typically, these brides are three-to-five months pregnant on their wedding day, which accords with Vera’s experience.

Best maternity bride styles

City Bridal's ruched styles skim the body

Material is important in tailoring a bump-skimming dress, so Vera recommends a flowing material like chiffon, rather than a satin which will cling and be unflattering.

Vera regularly caters to pregnant brides and also finds a ruched style or a mock two-piece works well. Flattering tucks can help achieve a slim silhouette either in early pregnancy or after the baby is born.

A growing bust can also be a problem, especially as many wedding dresses are now strapless. For this reason, all City Bridal dresses can have straps or cap sleeves added to give extra support to a blossoming bust-line.

“Some brides can become quite self-conscious. You can grow quite dramatically with pregnancy,” says Vera.

Lastly, to avoid the last-minute “Will it fit?” panic, the final fitting should be just a week or even a couple of days before the wedding. It could even turn out the dress needs taking in.

For more dress inspiration, type “maternity wedding dress” into Google and scroll through the multitude of Google Images. The selection even features a stylish short black lace dress, for the bride who doesn’t want to wear traditional white, although the taboo against doing so seems to have died a death.

Auckland-based City Bridal is going nationwide soon, under the Zuccani name, so pregnant brides nationwide will soon be able to source a designer maternity wedding dress here in New Zealand.

The thought of formality, which is what wedding vows are about, can scare people.

This “scaring” is something that Auckland celebrant Ross Johnson is concerned about and he finds writing your own wedding vows can help put such fears to rest.

“A wedding should be a fun occasion and the only starchy, rigid part is often the vows,” he says. “I often ask people, ‘Do you want a wedding with laughter or a formal one?’”

Ross has conducted 100 weddings and at all of them the bride and groom have spoken their own vows. But this is something Ross specialises in. The vows are usually based on ones written by previous couples and given a personal twist by the couple.

“I let them look at previous ones, and then they mix and match; work out their ideas. They might like a paragraph here but don’t like some particular words… it can go back and forth four or five times.  I just give them the overall format.”

As well as this, Ross encourages couples to include some special personal vows, which they keep secret from each other until the wedding. These often also provide some humour, which he believes is important.

“I had one couple who were dead scared and apprehensive,” says Ross. So much so that I had ask, “Are you sure you want to go ahead?’ They grinned and said, ‘Of course we do’.” They were fine after that. It was just nerves.

Vows with a touch of humour he’s witnessed have included, “I promise to clean her mountain bike every week” and “I will allow him to go fishing once a week.”

“They’re personal things that mean something to the couple about how they honour and respect their partner,” says Ross.

Church-style ‘own vows’

Although most weddings that feature DIY vows tend to take place in gardens or on the beach, some churches now allow couples to write their own vows, although there are limits.

“I’m open to the idea of couples writing their own vows. We’re flexible about some things, but not others,” says the Rev. Caroline Leys, from Auckland’s Holy Trinity Cathedral.

The cathedral is popular for weddings as it is actually three churches; two of these are the beautiful old-fashioned wooden St Mary’s Church, in Parnell; and the pretty St Stephen’s Chapel, at nearby Judges Bay.

Caroline is involved in wedding preparation and conducts couples’ counselling for brides and grooms before their wedding day. This is part of the wedding package and although not everyone attends the day-long session, three-quarters do, says Caroline.

She says the limits the Anglican Church places around personal vows are to do with ensuring the service remains Christian and true to the Anglican Prayer Book. However, she says, the prayer book, which contains the wedding service, was updated in the 1980s and now includes four service options, although some people still like the traditional one.

“We recognise that not everyone wants a modern translation of the service, but some people do, so there’s a very simple service and there’s also an even sparser one, with very stripped-down language. Even so, some people still say that they would like to write their own vows.”

Her view, as a long-married person herself, is that personal vows need to be able to stand the test of time.

“The words we say to one another should be flexible enough to allow people to grow, so they still stand up well 20, 30 or 40 years later.”

For example, “love, honour and obey” has become “love, honour and cherish” in the 1980s version of the wedding service. No feminist bride who wants to be equal to her husband could object to the idea of cherishing him. The “obey” part was a big issue back in the 1970s and 80s.

Choose your celebrant carefully

But for those not wanting a church wedding, Ross has some extra suggestions.

“I always encourage people to have readings of poems etc., from friends and close family members, especially from children. It can be very personal if say a niece says something for the couple.”

And, if you want to write your own vows, he advises you and your fiancé pick your celebrant carefully, as not all celebrants are equipped or willing to help a couple do this.

Well, this punch recipe below will do all of the above, with the added bonus that teens often think it’s alcoholic, though it isn’t. The ginger ale gives it a bit of bite that the less alcohol-savvy can mistake for the real thing. It tastes nice too and has been lapped up at every party we’ve ever served it up at, by grown-ups and kids alike.

It’s also cheap when compared with alcoholic drinks, and you can serve it up in a pretty punch bowl too.

Ginger Punch

I litre orange juice
750 mls pineapple & orange juice
3 cups water
1 cup sugar
2 x 1.25 litre bottles of dry ginger ale
4 oranges segmented

Combine all the juices, water and sugar in a pan, stir over low heat until sugar dissolves, cool and chill. Add chilled ginger ale and orange segments just before serving. Makes about five  litres.

We’ve found that, in practice, you can easily leave out the oranges. They tend to discolour somewhat, although they do taste nice after marinating in the punch the next day for brunch.

Of course, you want your wedding day to be a truly memorable day, but it’s also easy to get carried away. The trouble is a too-grand wedding has its drawbacks. Relationship Services counsellor Gilbert McMillan says he’s come across many couples who say they don’t remember much about their wedding day. “It was too formal, too grand, and they couldn’t relax,” he says.

It’s your special day, he explains, but there’s also a lot of tension, so the simpler and more straightforward the wedding is the more likely you are to remember it.

“A wedding shouldn’t be too complicated. It should be about the families getting to know one another and coming together. If it’s nice and relaxed, and not too formal, it gives people the opportunity to meet and talk.”

“The most significant thing should be that the couple is making a commitment to one another and this should be the highlight of the day, not pomp and ceremony.”

So, this said, how can you make your wedding both special and simple enough that you’re not consumed with anxiety about a myriad of details?

Well, of all places, the very proper British The Times newspaper online has some good tips, courtesy of etiquette guru Miss Manners. Don’t worry, they’re not tips for a posh bash.

For example, Miss Manners' tips for a “reasonably priced and proper” wedding include: in season flowers; a simple cake with fresh flowers, and a discreet photographer.

She also fans away the full-on wedding breakfast, instead suggesting lunch or tea with finger sandwiches, sweets and champagne.

And, even if you’re on a budget, you can still be “cheap and charming”, she says. Her budget suggestions include: cake and punch; flowers from your garden; family musicians, and Grandma’s cake recipe.

We’re not so sure about Grandma’s cake recipe, as it’s likely to feature fruit and marzipan, and the latter in particular is hated by many people. Wedding planner Gail Garmaz tells us that only 25 percent of wedding cakes are now traditional fruit cakes and if they are they often feature a jam rather than a marzipan layer under the icing.

No wonder chocolate wedding cakes and cupcakes too are so popular. Come to think of it, wedding cupcakes would fit very well with a “cheap and charming” wedding. We’ve also heard of two recent weddings where the bride and groom have gone the church hall “champagne-and-canapés” route. That way, they get the charming reception that they can actually afford.

As a last note, Miss Manners says, “don’t worry about developing a theme for your wedding. The theme for your wedding is marriage.”

We can see the appeal of both, but “no theme” is certainly simpler, and likely cheaper too.

Of course you knew that. But the trick is in managing them to see their needs don’t over-shadow yours on what should be your day. Fortunately, there are ways of negotiating such difficulties. We spoke to Gilbert McMillan, long-time counsellor from Relationship Services.

Contrary to what you might think, Gilbert’s job isn’t just to be the ambulance that picks the pieces up at the bottom of the relationship cliff. It’s also about helping people negotiate the intricacies of normal relationships at tricky times. And, yes, weddings can be tricky.

It’s your day

The first thing is to be clear that it’s your day. “Sometimes the bride’s mother or father has ideas about how the wedding should be, or it can be the groom’s parents,” says Gilbert. He suggests calling on your minister or celebrant to help here.

They meet brides and grooms regularly, so can tease out of them what they want, and discuss what pressures they might be under from other people about how the wedding should be, says Gilbert. His advice is to use them to help you negotiate such difficulties.

Step-families

There are a lot of blended families these days and they can certainly cause wedding headaches. The biggie is exs not wanting to meet up at the wedding. However, it’s not always a bad situation.

“One of the loveliest stories I’ve heard was of a bride who was walked down the aisle by both her father and step-father. I give all credit to both of them,” says Gilbert.

However, he adds, if people do try to blackmail you by saying they won’t come if another person comes, you can say, ‘I really want you to come, but your problem with so-and-so isn’t my problem; you need to work it out with them.’

“You have the right to invite who you want, and you shouldn’t have to take on other people’s problems,” says Gilbert.

Drunks

We touched on alcohol problems in our ‘Tips on avoiding reception fights’ story. Gilbert has some extra tips to offer.

First, once again you can get help from your celebrant or minister. They usually insist that those in the wedding party aren’t drunk, says Gilbert.

“I’ve known celebrants to say they won’t continue of people aren’t sober.”

Mentioning this danger might be all it takes to keep those who like a little drink under control, at least for the wedding itself.

“I know of a bride’s mother who locked the alcohol away until after the ceremony and kept the key,” says Gilbert. “The minister backed up her [no drink] ultimatum.”

Our wedding wine story has some tips on how to manage such issues at the reception, especially around drunks and glasses.

One solution is to organise much of the wedding yourselves. A quiet word can also work wonders.

“If you’re anxious that a member of the family is going to be liquored and say things that are not very good, you need to have a conversation with your father or step-father (it’s usually the father) and say, ‘It’s my day and I don’t want you to spoil things the way I’ve seen you do at other functions, because you can’t control yourself’.”

“I know of one person who was afraid this would happen and spoke to her father, and he was very well-behaved. He was probably an alcoholic, but he was able to control himself that day because they had a good conversation beforehand,” says Gilbert.

If all else fails, elope

When should you elope? “If you’re feeling really desperate,” says Gilbert.

One of our bridal story couples did just this. Emma and Stephen didn’t say why they eloped, but Emma echoes Gilbert’s advice in saying you should do what you want as it’s your day.

“It’s your choice. You choose how you’d like your wedding to be; make sure it suits you,” she says.

Gilbert’s advice?

“If a couple a couple is thinking of eloping, they need to stand up to their families and maybe talk to a counsellor and discuss how they’re feeling and why they feel like eloping.”

Simple pleasures can be best

The trouble with men describing anything to do with weddings is they often can’t resist taking the Mickey, but sometimes in among all the nonsense is some sound advice.

wedding café came across this article about British honeymoons, which included some wacky honeymoon choices, such a one couple joining their mates to go to Glastonbury, the popular British music festival, which is great until it rains, then it’s a sea of mud…

Another couple went with a dozen others on a walking holiday in Andalucia, in Spain. They loved it, but isn’t the point of a honeymoon that it’s a just the two of you? But, the really good thing about the article is the whopping 62 comments it generated. These included lots of useful tips and ideas from recent honeymooners, such as “try and fly business class, so you don’t spend two days either end recovering.”

The classic tip was: “don’t honeymoon with your guests”, especially not your in-laws. As in, don’t spend the wedding night in the same hotel as them or you risk strolling downstairs in the morning to find your new in-laws grinning over their breakfast as they speculate whether you two “Did It” last night, even if you’ve been living together for five years.

There were also some crazy suggestions, such as the guy who’d like to put off his honeymoon until he can space walk. Well, you can almost do that now.

Cheap honeymoon can be best

A good tip is that expensive is nice but not always the most memorable. One couple had a split honeymoon, the pricey bit was in Rhodes, one of the Greek islands; the cheap bit was spent in a Bed & Breakfast on the Scottish West Coast.

The bride says what she remembers best now was eating the best fish &chips there and the “crazy market owners”. Sounds a bit like our own Kiwi West Coast. But, even assuming the weather stays calm enough there, maybe don’t do like another couple who have a memory to treasure of being caught starkers having sex in the sand dunes on the British Channel Island of Guernsey. The weather’s a bit nicer there, as it’s nearer to France than Britain.

Other tips included two-centre honeymoons. One couple “slummed it” in beach huts in Mozambique for half their honeymoon; then went on a five-star safari. wedding café is sure you could come up with an equivalent closer to home if the budget doesn’t stretch as far as an African trip.

Mind you, South Africa was mentioned as a hot new destination by a number of brides and grooms. The split, half active, half lazing around, honeymoon was popular too. A good way of catering to different tastes, if one of you is like the Energiser Bunny and the other, well, isn’t…

Last but not least, how about not leaving straight after the wedding, because you’ll likely be too exhausted to enjoy the first part of your honeymoon properly – just don’t stay in that hotel with the others.

And, if you can’t afford a honeymoon in these straitened times, perhaps you might consider asking your guests to chip in instead of giving you a wedding gift.

Wedding vows

One the reasons many modern brides want to write their own vows stems from 1970s feminism and later, when many young women declared they had no intention of promising to “love, honour and obey” their new husband. This is a standard declaration in the old-style wedding vows. They had no trouble with the love and honour part, it was “obey” that stuck in the throat.

Maybe this is why so many New Zealanders now choose not to marry in church.

For an interesting take on this today, check out: Have modern brides forgotten feminism? The opinions of the mother-of-bride quoted are in many ways quite down-to-earth, particularly her plea not to over-spend on a huge wedding, given the tough times we’re experiencing.

She wore a white dress back in the day, she says. But it was a reasonably-priced one. She wonders at a $50,000 price tag for one day of pleasure and dawn-to-dusk video-recording of the day. Not to mention a 160-kilometre round trip she made with her daughter to view a bridesmaid’s dress. We hope it was a very special dress.

Maybe being able to live together openly before the wedding, rather than having to creep across the landing into each other’s beds, has something to do with some young women’s desire for a big wedding today speculates our mother-of-the-bride.

One change wedding café likes is that most grooms now have a wedding ring too. It didn’t used to be the case.

It might be worth asking your Mum for her views? You might be surprised, and she might have some useful insights to offer too.

Dancing in the Moonlight from Bridal Brilliance

Here are ten wedding dresses to inspire you as you choose what style of gown you want to wear on your big day.

They’re all a bit different. Some are full and formal, others rather more casual. For instance, our first choice, our pictured dress, falls into the Beauty and the Beast or Cinderella at the ball category. By the way, the dresses aren’t listed in any particular order, but they are quite varied.

1. Dubbed Dancing in the Moonlight, by stockist Bridal Brilliance. We like that it isn’t white because pure white doesn’t suit every complexion. This silk-satin dress is in “cappuccino”. We think that means the lightest coffee colour. By Australian designer Clarissa Grace, it features a sweetheart neckline, French lace trim and a sweeping skirt that helps create the impression of a tiny waist. Who wouldn’t want that?
2. Fancy something more casual? Ghost is a UK label that doesn’t normally feature wedding dresses, but this elegant satin and georgette dress is so simple, but with a bit of an edge, we thought something like this would be great for a beach or more informal wedding.
3. Tough Love is the name of Australian-based Akira Isogawa’s small collection of edgy, high-fashion wedding dresses. He has a reputation for beautifully constructed designs that are deceptively simple in shape. Beautiful fabrics as well as clothes that are surprisingly wearable are also part of his signature.
4. Lace story. If you love fabric and like a vintage feel but want a new dress that just yours Vinka Brides might well be for you. They’re not all lace, but whatever the dress, beautiful fabric is definitely part of the picture with Vinka dresses.
   
5. Also just across the Tasman is Collette Dinnigan. This collection is from 2009 but we still love it. It’s a mix of the fairytale and the almost casual, a look a lot of girls love.
   

   Cymbeline's Dalida wedding dress

6. This one is strictly for ideas. Paris wedding dress designer Cymbeline manages to mix modern style details with sheer romanticism. Feast your eyes on this inspirational collection and may be take some of the ideas along to a local dressmaker. We particularly loved the dress with complicated cross straps. Very different and original.
7. And for those who favour elegance, with cowl decks, satin shimmer and a rather under-stated feel, there’s Renee Bridal. Quite special really. Our only criticism is the music on the website. We’re not a big fan of the musical. However, the dresses certainly make up for this.
8. We’ve featured this dress from Astra Bridal before, but because Hollywood style is so hot right now we thought we’d include it again. Made of lightweight satin charmeuse, this oyster-coloured dress is easier to wear than it might first appear and is actually quite flattering as it’s cut on the bias, which means it skims over the body and falls gracefully.


Valentina from The Little White Dress company

9. We like short dresses. They were hot back in the 1960s and are the choice of a number of brides today. One of our favourite US wedding sites, wedding fanatic, recently featured this neat little collection of above-the-knee numbers. Great if you’ve got good legs, and so comfortable in our warm climate.
   Meanwhile, at home, Auckland’s own The Little White Dress company has a number of short styles. We think this polka-dot princess number is very sweet.
10. Not all dresses have to be new. This dress may be pre-loved but it’s no Cinderella. With its gorgeous flouncy skirt that’s also a train you won’t be hiding out anywhere wearing this showy number. Definitely one for a girl who likes to shine. Owner Di Senior says she felt “like a princess”. It also has some practical appeal too, being very slimming, she says, while still managing to be flattering on a small bust.
11. Last but not least, channelling a distinctly French vibe, there’s A La Robe. The website is musical too – it features French songs, but designer Elizabeth Sojak dresses are very pretty and quite unusual, so we forgive her. One is pink fading into a green hem.