If you thought choosing the right dress was the most stressful part of wedding planning, think again.

The wedding reception seating plan could have you tied up internal knots. Help is at hand, however, courtesy of ZM Radio’s morning show, which recently delved into the issue and came up with “the real wedding seating plan”.

Described in her inimitable “get real” style, morning presenter Polly told it exactly like it should be to maximise your fun and minimise the impact of the more annoying guests. Think under-10s in particular. Whether you have the nerve to implement it is another matter…

The money table

First, the top table: easy, the bridal party. That’s you, your man and the parents. We’ll leave discussion of what to do about step-parents, second and third spouses, and whose not talking to whom, etc for another article.

Table two: the money table. This is the real deal. It should be composed of all those rellies, Auntie Fiona, Uncle Roberts, Auntie Liz… who really delivered on the wedding pressies. Why? Because they’ll deliver on the baby shower too.

Table numbers get a little mixed after this, as it’s position that’s more important, starting with the kids. Put them all together on one table near the DJ, so their racket will be drowned out by the music. The DJ won’t mind, he’ll have seen and heard way worse at any number of raves.

Next, the oldies: put them near the bathroom, for obvious reasons. Then there are your single mates, from work, uni and high school, the one’s getting seriously and rowdily slaughtered. They need to go on table five or six, far enough away so you don’t get too wistful about not being able to join in the fun, because you’re up on the top table.

Last and probably least, there’s the exs table, maybe put them near the singles table and try not to get envious about the raucous behaviour and not being able to misbehave with them like you used to do at weddings. Ideally, this table should be as far away as possible because it includes people you’ve slept with – and him too.

There you are, sorted. Yeah, right.